Emerald Eyes
by The Legendary Redhawke
Summary: Emerald Eyes
1. Prologue

This piece was begun in April 2000, and not finished until December of   
2000. I am most proud of this work over any other. Only author's   
notes have been altered to remove outdated deications and mentions.   
The story itself is represented, as originally written, to a new   
audience.  
  
Please enjoy.  
  
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Well, here I am, back in the world of fanfiction, on the writing side.   
Normally I'm on the reviwing end, but every once in a while, I like to  
get right in on everything and write out those few gems of ideas that I  
get. Either way, I'm here. If you really didn't like the whole thing   
going behind The Die Is Cast, you may not want to read this one. I kind  
of like to rock the boat when I write, so if that isn't your thing, you  
should just hit back, and find another story to read.  
  
Sailor Moon, its characters, and their images yadda yadda yadda yadda   
yadda you've heard it all before.  
  
  
  
Emerald Eyes - Prologue  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------  
by The Legendary Redhawke  
  
  
Journal Entry - January 17, 1999  
  
  
All my dreams have come true, all at once, in one swift blow to my   
heart. I could have never imagined it any better. I was walking   
along to the arcade, and I tripped, and fell on my face. He was   
right there beside me to help me up off of the ground. He ran   
across the street, just for me, just to help me out, just to show   
that he cared, for me. Nobody else, just me, just stubborn,   
independent, irrational, somewhat clutzy me.   
  
As he helped me to my feet, he gave me a soft tender smile, and I   
blushed at him, like I never had before. I started to get my head   
straight, saying to myself, "Come on girl, it's just some guy who   
was nice enough to help you up." I started to let my head control   
my heart, "He's just a good samaritan, and you don't mean anything   
to him."  
  
I couldn't let this one go. I'd always talked myself out of things   
before, always saying, "Oh he's not that charming" or "He's not that   
caring." I had always managed to talk myself out of every guy that   
I seemed to be interested in. I'd always protected myself from a   
lot of possible pain too though. But when I saw his face, smiling   
gently at me as he helped me off of the sidewalk, I knew.  
  
I knew that I had to talk to him. I knew that I had to find out his   
name. I knew that no matter what, I could not let him walk out of   
my life. If I did, I would regret it for the rest of my life. So,   
I spoke up, and I said the first thing that came to my mind. I   
desperately had to let him know how I felt about him in that moment,   
in that little blip of time, that could be gone if I didn't seize my   
opportunity immediately, so I said it.  
  
"Thanks"  
  
"Not a problem," he said. It just kept ringing in my head, over and   
over again. It seemed like an eternity before I could bring myself   
to speak, but it must only have been a few seconds. I couldn't get   
over it though. He had run across the street, duing rush hour I   
might add, to help me up, even though I could have easily done it   
myself, and it was no problem? He had to care about me. He just   
had to! "Calm down" I thought to myself, "You can't go on jumping to   
such conclusions."  
  
I smiled at his response, well before I spoke again, even though I was   
never quite sure of what I should say next. It's as if the   
butterflies that were in my stomach had flown up and blocked my throat   
so that I couldn't speak. I had to though. I saw the way he was   
looking at me, and I just had to get some words out, regardless of what   
they were.  
  
"Uh...What's your name?"  
  
Stupid I know, but it was all that came to me at the time. I would have   
loved to say, "I love you" or some other thing that had flown through   
my mind, but I knew that I just couldn't, no matter what odds were   
against me. If he had walked off, I would have found him somehow. Like   
I said, I couldn't bear to have let him just walk away. I almost fell   
down again when he said it, what I had hoped he would say.  
  
"I'm Richard."  
  
I could hardly believe that he had said it. Then my logical mind kicked   
itself into gear. "He's only being polite," it said, "You asked him his   
name, so he had to tell you." I could hardly stand for my logical mind,   
and dreaming mind to exist in the same place. Damn this doubt!  
  
My blush seemed to encompass the whole of my body, though I wasn't about   
to check that it was. He saw it, and it made me blush even more, though   
I could start to see a slight hint of rose come across his cheek. He   
smiled gently as if he knew exactly what to do, what to say, and what it   
all did to me. I'd only just met him, but my whole world was changing,   
and I could feel everything that I had known become something unknown.   
  
I had always hated that eerie feeling of uncertainty that sometimes   
crosses our mortal minds, but I just had to deal with it, and say to   
myself, "I don't care, because I know the truth of what will happen."   
But as I got closer and closer to one of those times where everything   
would fly so smoothly and swiftly if that doubt would just go on its way,   
the doubt all just got bigger and bigger, and it didn't matter how good   
I was, or how well I could handle myself, because that doubt always kept   
me from whatever I had wanted.  
  
Now that I was in one of those dire situations, it seemed so hopeless for   
me, for us. I was already thinking about Richard and I being a...a...  
couple? I'd been overly insightful before, but this was well beyond the   
limits of normality. This was right out there. But, then, I thought of   
something. What if all this supposed 'false prediction' was actually me   
seeing into my future. It seemed like an odd thought, but it could have   
been the truth. All that there was to overcome was getting beyond the   
state we were currently moored in.  
  
I knew that it would have taken me a thousand lifetimes to get up the   
nerve to say what he did. It would have taken a thousand lifetimes of a   
thousand years each. Those butterflies were all in my mouth, and my   
throat, and my stomach, and my heart, and my mind, and everywhere   
throughout my enitre body. I was so nervous that I thought I would pass   
out in a minute.   
  
My heart suddenly fluttered as he said those few words that it took to   
get me off the ground, off the planet, off whatever plane of existence   
we knew. Simple, easy words that anyone could have said in retrospect,   
but only a few could have ever said it in the moment. He was one of   
those few, the only one that I sought, the one that had rushed across   
the busy street for me, the one that had smiled at me, and the on that   
had said those wrenching words to me, and me alone.  
  
"Do you want to get a cup of coffee with me?"  
  
There were neither the epitomes of Ovid nor the masterpieces of   
Shakespeare, but they served their valiant purpose, and they struck   
every single chord deep within my heart. I simply nodded my head to   
agree, and off we went down the street.   
  
He stopped for a moment to ask me my name, and I responded simply and   
softly, "My name is Lita."  
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Well, I hope you liked the prologue. There is much more to come, but I   
won't go and give it away like I did last time.   
  
As always C&C is very welcome.  
  
http://www.geocities.com/redhawke4 - Redhawke FR  
  
The Legendary Redhawke - redhawkeanime@hotmail.com 


	2. Chapter 1

I've been writing this fic like mad. It doesn't really show,   
considering that only the prologue and chapter 1 are finished, but  
trust me, this has been taking a lot of my extra time.  
  
Sailor Moon, its characters and their images are copyright yadda yadda  
yadda yadda yadda you've heard it all before  
  
  
  
  
Emerald Eyes - Chapter 1  
---------------------------------------------------------------------  
by The Legendary Redhawke  
  
  
Journal Entry - January 17, 1999 (Second Part)  
  
He took me to have some coffee with him, but it all seemed like so   
much more than that, to me anyway. It was as if, as if he was me,   
with his emotions, his thoughts, and everything else about him.   
Everything seemed so perfect. I've never known perfection, but I   
knew that this was it, that being by his side, for all my life would   
be the perfection that I'd always craved, and that no matter what I   
would do, this had to come first.   
  
Before school, before my restaurant, and before any other semblance   
of a life can come along, I have to have this. This is what I've   
always sought out, never thinking for a minute that I would actually   
have it, and I'll die before I let it go by for the sake of something   
else, that everyone will try and convince me is far more important.   
He's just "that guy" to everyone else, but to me, to me, he's just   
something beyond words.  
  
As I sat beside him in that coffeehouse, my mind just kept going over   
the thought of it all, and the doubt laying latent. "You're just   
kidding yourself," I thought to myself, "He doesn't love you."  
  
I'd never even thought about "loving" him.   
  
Here it was, the definitive decision that I had to make, the first of   
many for this entire lofty dream of mine, but it seemed to be the   
most important one for that moment. I shyed away. It was too soon,   
too fast, and too much for a girl who has never known such a thing as   
this "love." I sat there, and indulged myself in the moment, because   
I knew that that was the only thing that I could be absolutely certain   
of.  
  
It was a beautiful moment indeed. We just sat and talked about our   
lives up to that point. Everything we talked about just seemed to   
make my life seem so meaningless and uneventful up until the point   
that I had met him. I'm young though, so I never really thought that   
my life could be considered definitive in any way. These seventeen   
years just seemed like a pitiful little flash in the pan by comaprison.   
  
This earth has only known me for this little time, and now it seems   
like it has been even less. That's the only feeling that I hated when   
I was with him. Everything else just kept uplifting me, as if there   
was hardly a thing that could put my feet back onto the ground. I was   
floating from my joy, the joy that he instilled in me.   
  
I know it seems weird, I mean, because of his age. He's 24, and I   
just turned 17 not that long ago. But, honestly, I don't think it   
ever crossed my mind that it was a problem. Anyone that can make you   
feel as good as he does me, deserves to be cherished, and...and...  
loved? Am I really thinking that? He's sweet, and kind, and caring,   
but I don't even know him really. How can I "love" someone that I just   
met? How can I give in to my emotions when it's only been a couple of   
hours?   
  
I must be dillusional, or maybe....no, I have to be dillusional.   
There's no other explanation for it. I must have hit my head or   
something when I fell, and now I'm thinking far outside the realm of   
reality.   
  
We finished our coffee, and he offered to walk me home. I accepted of   
course, but it saddened me that I would have to leave his company. I   
just tried to think in the moment, and enjoy the walk through the park   
to my apartment. Nevertheless, I couldn't help but worry about what   
would happen after I got home. Was I ever going to see him again?   
Did he even care about me? Was I just fooling myself this entire time?  
  
When I saw the apartment, my mind sprang into a panic. Every single   
question that I could have ever imagined came into my head, and they   
were all being asked at the exact same time. I never had a chance to   
answer a single one of them. I didn't want to speak, thinking that   
maybe he wouldn't go if I just didn't say a word, that the moment   
wouldn't end if I didn't let it. I couldn't help it though. I had to   
speak, though I knew not what to say. So, I said the stupidest thing   
ever:  
  
"We're here."  
  
I saw it right then. That look in his eyes. It was a look of....of   
disappointment? He wanted to be with me? I nearly fainted when I saw   
his eyes, those soft hazel eyes, seeming to cry out against the world,   
saying, "Don't go." I tilted my head slightly to the side, and gave   
him a soft smile. I wanted him to come inside, but I knew how wrong   
that would have been. I wanted to be with him, but not "with" him.   
I'm only 17 after all. I just can't, not this young.  
  
He spoke, and put my heart at ease, "Can I see you again?"  
  
Of course he could! That's all I could have ever wanted at that   
moment. To see him was all that was on my mind. "Calm down," I told   
myself. I had to play it cool here, otherwise I would seem desperate.   
Then he wouldn't like me. So, I spoke, as casually as I could have   
considering the surge of emotions coursing through my body:  
  
"Sure."  
  
He smiled at me, more sweetly and wonderfully than he had yet. It   
seemed like a miracle to me, that such an incredible guy could ever   
want me, Lita, the stubborn girl, the one who has such a short fuse,   
the one who never takes any crap from anybody, the girl who can kick   
butt against any guy. How could he want me? Did it matter?   
  
Then, he cupped his hand to my cheek, and made me feel more clam and   
secure than I ever had. I've never really had anyone to give me that   
sense of security. Ken tried as best he could, but what I really   
needed was a mother, or a father. As great as Ken was, he could never   
replace a parent. Richard had just made me feel as warm as a little   
girl curled up in her father's lap. I closed my eyes for a second,   
just to let the feeling go all the way down to my soul.  
  
When I opened my eyes, he was looking at me with a face so knowing, so   
feeling, and most of all, so caring. He looked into my eyes, and with   
all the passion, and romance in the world, he kissed me. It was an   
absolute euphoria in my mind, and my heart. Nothing this good had ever   
happened to me, ever, and I had always thought that it never would.   
  
I always thought myself too unlike anybody. I'm not beautiful like   
Serena. I'm not smart like Amy. I'm not spiritual like Raye, and I'm   
certainly not delicate like Mina. I'm just me, regular girl Lita. I'm   
not even regular. I'm big, stubborn, and too angry for my own good,   
let alone anybody else's. I don't even deserve to have someone like   
him, but he seems to think that I do. Maybe everything I always thought   
is wrong.  
  
His kiss said everything that I ever needed to hear, and yet he still   
managed to say more. When our lips parted, slowly, he lifted my chin   
slightly, and said to me the most beautiful thing, just before he left:  
  
"Never let those emerald eyes of yours fade."  
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Well, I hope you like the fic so far, but don't be getting the wrong idea  
because the fic is far from being finished.  
  
I'd like to thank Lady Rainbow for helping me out with the ages of the   
characters.   
  
The Legendary Redhawke - redhawkeanime@hotmail.com  
  
http://www.geocities.com/redhawke4 - Redhawke FR 


	3. Chapter 2

Sailor Moon and her likeness are copyright yadda yadda yadda yadda   
yadda, you've heard it all before.  
  
  
  
Emerald Eyes - Chapter 2  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
by The Legendary Redhawke  
  
  
Journal Entry - February 8, 1999  
  
Happiness...  
  
All my life I've wondered if the word ever had a true meaning. I've   
had momentary joy, and little bits of ecstasy, coupled with thoughts   
of constant depression, yet somehow, it seems like the word has   
slowly but surely crept into my regular vocabulary. After a mere   
three weeks, a brand new world seems to have opened up to me, and I   
can't help but rush into its open arms with a smile on my face.   
  
It's weird how a sinlge event, and one single person can make me feel   
that way. It's not like we're married, or even completely committed   
to each other at this point, but no matter what, I'm always going to   
have that odd sense of feeble security when I'm with him. It's as   
if...as if my eyes have been opened to something, a something that has   
always been far out of my reach.  
  
He lifted me up, and helped me to reach it....  
  
Everytime he picks me up, when we go to the movies, or dinner, or   
whatever, he always gives me this sweet little smile, like I was   
giving him the greatest gift he could ever ask for, and that he would   
get down on his knees in a second to thank me for it.  
  
It seems a little weird how much he seems to value me. He probably   
just cares terribly deeply for me, as if it would kill him to lose me.   
I think it's sweet in a way. He's so perfect, and he could have had   
any woman on earth, but he chose me. Faced with the choice of any   
woman alive, he picked me.   
  
I said it, he's perfect.....  
  
I've never said it aloud, but I wrote it here. I guess it must be   
true, because this diary has held all my most secret thoughts, and   
not a one of them has ever proven to be untrue. Someday, I hope I   
won't need this thing, that I'll be able to speak the truth to those   
closest to me. As is though, I need this ratty old book. It holds   
so much of me within its frayed leather covers.  
  
To think, paper is holding my emotions, and not my lover's heart....  
  
I don't ever seem to deserve him, but I have him. It's like...  
something's not right, and I want it to be right when I sit here and   
write this, but everytime I'm with him, when I can actually do   
something about it, I couldn't care less that there is anything   
wrong.   
  
Do I love him?  
  
It seems like that's the only reason I could ever seem so selfish,   
wanting to keep him from the rest of the world, but I'm not sure if   
that's what it is. Maybe it's just me getting back at everyone for   
never wanting me, or for just being my friend.   
  
My friends are more than I could ask for in friends, but I've always   
needed someone to be with, someone to want to be with me, not just   
someone who thinks of it as a chore, or like they'll be getting that   
"something" out of it in the end. Those ones always got tossed away   
in a second. It's so despicable that....  
  
I've been a virgin, and I've always sworn to wait until I got   
married, but I'm not so sure anymore if I should wait that long. I   
feel like I should give him everything that I can, like Richard is so   
great to me, that he deserves everything that I can manage to give   
him.   
  
He's just some guy, at least that's what everyone says, but to me,   
he's some mythological figure standing before me in all his epic glory,   
and of all the people who would honor and respect his valiant aura,   
I'm the one he would stick his neck out for. I'm the one he would run   
a million miles and climb a amillion mountains for. I'm the one...  
  
I'm the one....I'm the one?  
  
How can I be the one?! I'm just a seventeen year old girl, with no   
parents, no family, and to top it all off, I've got this massive secret   
life that he can't even know about. I feel like I'm lying to him,   
everyday. Every moment I'm with him, I'm deceiving him.   
  
It's like I have to though. He would never even want to speak to me if   
he knew. Nobody would. I'm ugly, violent, and definitely not sociable.   
It's a miracle that anyone wants me at all! He does though. Despite   
everything I'm not, and everything he is, he wants me. Why the hell   
would he ever want me?!  
  
I hate having to think like this. I wish that I could just say to   
myself that the reasons don't matter at all, and that I can just enjoy   
everything that's happening. I want to shut out the background, and   
the future and the past, and just live on the surface, as everything   
happens. I don't want to have to analyze and scrutinize every little   
event in my life. I'm a teenager damn it! I'm supposed to be impulsive,   
and reckless, and make those million mistakes that teenagers make.   
  
I can't though. I've had to bring myself up, and I've never had that   
net to catch me when I inevitably fall. So, I just could never fall.   
I couldn't be normal, or learn normally, or ever become normal at all.   
I'm stuck, right here where I stand, as me, stupid, stubborn, weird me.  
  
I don't even deserve him! But I have him.  
  
The world is stupid and unfair, and I've been crushed under its wheels   
for years and years and years. I finally have my chance at luck, my   
chance at happiness, and my chance at love. I don't even know him   
really, but somehow I know...  
  
It has to be him. How could it be anyone else?  
  
I don't know how I got here, and I don't know why, but for the first   
time in my entire miserable life, I've caught a glimpse of something   
brighter. I've seen the truth for once, and I don't want to let it slip   
away because I had to analyze it for a second too long, or scrutinize it   
a little too much. I have to take hold of my future, and keep the thing   
I really want....him.  
  
I love him.....  
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I hope you liked it, because it's the first chapter that I didn't finish   
within a night. Anyhow, thank you all for reading, and hopefully for   
continuing to read.  
  
The Legendary Redhawke - redhawkeanime@hotmail.com  
  
http://www.geocities.com/redhawke4 - Redhawke FR 


	4. Chapter 3

Well, it's a little bit later than expected, but here it is, the third   
chapter of this fic. I'm hoping that there are a few of you who have   
been expecting this fic, just because it sucks not to have readers.   
Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter, and I hope to be finishing   
another within the week.  
  
Sailor Moon and her likeness are copyright yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda   
you've heard it all before  
  
  
  
  
  
Emerald Eyes - Chapter 3  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
by The Legendary Redhawke  
  
  
Journal Entry - March 29, 1999  
  
I love Richard more than I ever have, and so much more than I ever   
thought I could. He's given me every reason to love him and cherish   
him, and see him as the incredible person he is. He's whisked me   
off of my feet when I wasn't even sure I could stand under my own   
power. There's so many things to call him, but so few words with   
which to say them.  
  
I would be lying to say he were my first boyfriend, but I would be   
completely honest to say that he's the first man that I've ever truly   
loved. I'm sure that I would cherish my father just as dearly if he   
was alive, but he isn't, and I never really knew him at all, so I've   
never been entirely sure if I ever loved him. I guess I was just too   
young to understand love then. I could say the words, and I guess I   
kind of knew the meaning behind them, but I never knew the   
unparralleled depth behind them, how much it meant to say 'I love   
you.'  
  
I know what it means now, at least I hope that I do. I don't want to   
have to give him up because I'm not sure what love is. He does so   
much for me. He makes me so happy by doing so little, and he does so   
much more than it would take to make me happy, yet he expects nothing   
from me. I know it's selfish, but I just can't help it. I don't care   
whether or not I'm sure. He's mine.  
  
I always start to think about losing him. I feel like for once in my   
life, I have something that I can't, in any way, live without. I keep   
telling myself that it's my duty to do everything within my power to   
keep him. He gives me so much more than I deserve, so why shouldn't   
he have at least part of what he deserves?   
  
All he wants is me, and he has me, but it just seems like I'm   
depriving him of something that he wants or he needs, or that I should   
be giving to him, whether or not I think I'm ready for it. I'm ready   
to love him, I know that. I knew that when I decided that it was love,   
and not just me imagining it was.   
  
He loves me, and I love him, and that should be enough right there, but   
it just keeps feeling like there's supposed to be something else going   
along with it. Is he my lover, or my boyfriend, or what? I had looked   
constantly for someone, someone to be my own, someone to hold me,   
someone to care for me, and most of all someone to love me the way I   
need to be loved.   
  
I never got that love, and just when I was ready to shut my eyes   
forever, he came along. He's given me so much hope, like no matter how   
bad things become, there will always be a solution, and there will   
always be happiness for me at the end of it all.   
  
That's a gift I could never repay, nor would I ever try to.   
  
We took a walk through the park yesterday, and he held my hand so softly.   
He made me feel so small, like I was a little child, and he gave me so   
much security with that feeling. He just made me want to curl up in his   
lap like I was a three year old with my father. I need that feeling in   
my life, that no matter what, he'll never leave me.  
  
I can be human with him. I can make the mistakes that I have to make,   
and learn from them just like a teenager is supposed to, and he'll still   
be there at the end of the day, loving me and caring for me even more   
than he did the day before. He makes me love him more and more everyday,   
and he makes me hate him so much.  
  
I hate him because, despite this happiness inside me, he's made me begin   
to worry so much, more than anything has ever made me worry before. What   
if he's just lying to me, and what if he's cheating on me? Too many   
questions spin around in my head millions of times a day, and it's all   
because of him, but there isn't a thing in this world, or any other that   
could make me give him up.  
  
I know what I want, more than anything, and I always kind of have, but I   
have never ever ever, even now, been sure as to how I was going to   
accomplish it. I want to get married, be in love, have a family, and   
never have to deal with any of those huge problems that they always say   
you'll end up dealing with sooner or later. I just want to be happy and   
content living with my husband and children.   
  
I want someone to take care of me, to hold me in their arms, and never   
let me go. I want someone who will tell me they love me, and smile softly   
at me as I lay beside them in our bed. I want to for once not have to make   
mistakes and screw everything up to end up in a favorable position. I want   
to be able to keep all of my friends, no matter what happens.  
  
I want to not have to always fight a never-ending war with myself to keep   
from drowning in an endless abyss of pain and suffering. I want to be   
stress free, and not have to live my life forever in the "what if" sense   
of only wishing my life had been the way I wanted it to be. I want to go   
for my goals for once in my life, and achieve something, good or bad. I   
want to be able to have no regrets about the way I've lived, to say that   
I went for the things I wanted, no matter how everything turns out for me.  
  
It's not so much to ask of myself, but it seems like it's just a huge   
paradigm shift to me. It feels as if I have to change everything about   
myself to be exactly what I want to be. I don't want to have to be   
someone else to achieve something. I want to be me, just happy, whether   
or not that seems at all possible at this moment in time. I don't know   
how he's going to fit in, but right now, even though he seems so foreign   
to me, I have to make him fit, one way or another. I'm not letting him   
go because I'm not sure of myself.  
  
There's nothing I can do right now, I suppose. Maybe he'll be the one I   
marry, and maybe not. I love him so, and marrying him would bring such a   
joy to my life, but if he's not the one, I'll get over it, somehow. I'm   
going to set my sights for once, and not let the present situations cloud   
my view of the greater picture before me. I will be myself, and I will   
achieve something.  
  
I will be the me that I've always wanted to be, the me that I never used   
to think I could be, the me that nobody else ever saw in me. I'm going to   
be who I am, and who I want to be, and they will be one and the same. And   
Richard, he'll be there, like he always says he will, to love me, and   
cherish me, and be what I need.  
  
I just got a picture developed, of him and I, together in the park. He's   
got his arms wrapped around my waist, and he's kissing my cheek, ever so   
lightly. We had a passerby take it with my camera...  
  
I just picked it up for no real reason, and looking at it, I felt a somehow   
eerie sense of calm rise up within me, like I had found something, something   
that would change my life, perhaps forever.  
  
It's in my hand right now, and..and it's just overpowering me, as if the   
picture were some sort of weird key to my soul. I'm crying now, as I look   
at it unrelentingly. Something about it juts makes me want to hold it, and   
look at it, at our smiling faces caught on a sunny afternoon. Something   
about it makes me feel the joy that we both felt that day, the joy that we   
can only find together....  
  
The joy that I've been searching for, for a long long time......  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Well, that's it, hope you enjoyed it. I'd like to thank Scutter and Raven   
for reading this fic consistently.  
  
The Legendary Redhawke - redhawkeanime@hotmail.com  
Redhawke FR - http://www.geocities.com/redhawke4 


	5. Chapter 4

Well, I know it's been a while, so here's the fourth chapter to this   
fic, which I hope at least a few of you have been enjoying. This fic   
is actually starting to write itself. It's said that every author   
leaves a piece of himself in his work, and, well, I've left an awful   
lot of myself in this fic. It makes it more real they way I see it.   
Anyway, worry not about the author's ramblings. Unless you clicked   
here by accident, you came to read the fic, so read on, my mutterings   
are of ill consequence to you.  
  
  
Sailor Moon and her likeness are copyright yadda yadda yadda yadda   
yadda you've heard it all before.  
  
  
  
Emerald Eyes - Chapter 4  
---------------------------------------------------------------------  
by The Legendary Redhawke  
  
  
  
Journal Entry - May 12, 1999  
  
It's him for sure, the one, him, Richard. He's asked me to move in   
with him, into his two bedroom apartment. I don't know why, but   
I'm kind of relieved that it's a two bedroom, and not just one.   
I'm still not sure about everything, and that's the only thing about   
him that makes me uncomfortable, that he may, you know...  
  
It's not normal, everything between him and I, it's like no matter   
what the issue, something about where we two stand in it seems off,   
like we cover all the necessary ground, but we don't cover it in the   
right way. I should be the one hoping and praying for a commitment,   
and him trying to keep away from it, yet he's jumping headlong into   
it, and I'm not sure of it.   
  
I can't be sure of anything yet, but I feel like I've got a million   
things already set in stone, like he's the one. I'm only 17....how   
can I be sure? I'm young and stupid and inexperienced, but for some   
dumb reason I think I'm right, I think that it has to be a certain   
way, I think that no matter what the world has always been, that no   
matter how young I am, and however little I've been through, that I   
can be totally confident in myself. I know I'm naive sometimes, no   
most of the time, but is being naive such a horrible thing when it   
lets me sleep through the night without having to be up crying over   
the test I think I failed, or the friend I think I upset? Why? Why   
is it such a bad thing to tell myself, "You passed the test" or "He's   
upset about something else" or anything else to keep myself from being   
so completely worried over something that could go either way at the   
toss of a coin?   
  
Why am I so scared of everything? All I want is something to trust   
in for once. Everything that I used to think would always be there,   
is gone. My parents, my parents were supposed to be there forever,   
to pick me up when I fell down, to cheer me up when I was down, and   
to listen to what I had to say, regardless of what it was. Instead,   
they left me. They're gone, and I'll never get them back, I'll never   
have what I should have. I'll never have that kind of unbiased   
support behind me. I've had to grow up by myself. I went through   
every awkward moment, every embarassing time, every heartbreak, every   
humliation, and every single insult, by myself. Why is it so wrong   
to want someone who will be there for me, when I come home, someone   
who will tell me everything is going to be alright, to tell me they   
love me, to hold me close, to wipe away my tears as I cry into their   
warm embrace?   
  
I'm alone, and I always have been. I hate it, it's the only thing   
I've ever known, but I hate it so much. Even though I hate it so   
much, the opportunity to have anything else scares me so much, as if   
I was always destined to be alone, like I was never meant to be loved,   
or cared about. Here it is though, that one shining opportunity   
laying directly in front if me. This is my chance not to be alone   
the rest of my life, and as much as I hate the possibility of being   
alone, I'm still not sure if I should move in with him.   
  
I know I love him. My heart is one of those things that I've always   
been sure of, regardless of how little sense what it was saying made   
to me. Still, do I love him so much that I can make that kind of a   
commitment to him? It's a big deal for me to give up everything that   
I'm used to, it's not something that I can walk into without a single   
shred of doubt or worry.   
  
I wish I could say I was happy. Happiness is that goal that's always   
been far off on the distant horizon, and now, for once, it seems that   
as I run for it with all my heart, I'm actually getting closer to   
reaching it.   
  
I have to live with him, and no matter how I doubt that I should, I   
have to do it, or...or I'll never manage to actually be with him.   
I'll never be his fiancee, his wife, the mother of his children....  
  
Is that what I've narrowed my life down to?  
  
Has my love for him made me only content to live a life of   
semi-subservience to a man that, although I love very dearly, is just   
a man? Have I cut off my friends, my hobbies, my life away from   
Richard? Do I even have a goal anymore? Is this my lot, to be   
barefoot and pregnant, and happy with it?  
  
What am I doing?  
  
God...I love him so much, but am I going to be forced into making the   
ultimate sacrifice of what my life is, and might end up being, just   
to be with him? Is that what he wants, for me to be his, and not   
even my own? No, it can't be...I'm just scaring myself with such   
stupid things. I know I shouldn't, but it's just like me to worry   
about such stupid things...  
  
I know that's not what he wants. He loves me. He even said it for   
the first time a little while ago. It made me so happy to finally   
hear it, as if I'd just achieved some milestone that only him and I   
could ever truly appreciate, like we finally have something together,   
just ours, that we made, and only we can ever destroy.  
  
When we kiss, when he holds my hand so sweetly....it makes me happy,   
if just for a brief fleeting moment. Why can't I just take that   
happiness for what it feels like? Why do I have to bother analyzing   
everything behind it? Why can't I let it be just a kiss, or just him   
holding my hand? Why does it have to be some sort of window into what   
our togetherness will be years from now? What is so wrong with me   
that I can't even stand to appreciate the present?   
  
I've no control over my future. It's destined. I can't do anything   
for it. Amy has her education, and she has to work for it, or it   
won't be there. Serena has Darien, and they'll be there with each   
other, and it's been set that way for thousands of years, and me, I'm   
stuck hoping on a whim, praying that he's the one, that I won't have   
to go through 17 more years of pain and heartbreak to find someone who   
makes me as happy and content as he does.   
  
I'm doing it, for once, I'm going to take that chance, I'm going to   
forget the future, and do exactly what will make me happy now, and   
that's being with him. Whether it lasts between him and I, I don't   
care right now. If he left me, I know I would care, and I would cry   
and wonder why it happened, but if that's destined, it's in the future,   
and that's the single thing that I'm not even going to consider right   
now. The future is something I have to worry about later. Right now,   
I just want to be happy, and whatever is to come can come.   
  
I won't try and dodge destiny...  
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
There you have it, chapter 4, and I hope that you've enjoyed it. I think   
it's good, but I guess that's because I'm the only one who can appreciate   
it 100%. That's the one bad thing about literature: as much as you may   
love a work, you can never truly appreciate it. Only its author can do   
that.  
  
I'd like to thank Scutter for constantly reading, and for giving me input   
as soon as she's done. Raven too I have to thank, for reading all my   
work, and telling me straight out what he thinks.  
  
The Legendary Redhawke - redhawkeanime@hotmail.com  
  
http://www.geocities.com/redhawke4 - Redhawke FR 


	6. Chapter 5

Well, here we are again, another chapter, and the plot thickens once   
more. It will really start to pick up come the next chapter, which I   
hope to get done this week. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this, even though   
it has been a couple of weeks since the last installment. Well, if   
you've read this far, you're probably liking the fic, so I just hope   
you keep on liking it after this chapter.  
  
Sailor Moon and her likeness are copyright yadda yadda yadda yadda   
yadda you've heard it all before.  
  
  
Emerald Eyes - Chapter 5  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
by The Legendary Redhawke  
  
  
  
Journal Entry - September 17, 1999  
  
He's back, finally. For 3 months he was gone, off working somewhere,   
but now he's back. When I moved my stuff in, everything was happy,   
and then, not long afterwards, he told me he was going to have to   
leave for the summer. I stayed in our apartment, but without him,   
it didn't seem like it was really ours at all....  
  
I cried for days when he left. I couldn't stand the fact that I had   
to be away from the one I love, I couldn't stand the fact that he left   
me all alone. I couldn't even bear to write down how horrid I felt.   
When he had first told me, I was saddened, but I knew it had to be   
done. He needed to work,and he didn't want me to have to work. He   
had told me that he was always going to provide for the both of us,   
and that I should never have to be burdened with the worry of   
finances.   
  
He just wants to take care of me, like so many people were never able   
to do before, like I deserve. I would have gladly worked, if it meant   
that he didn't have to leave, but he insisted....  
  
Three months without him, it was a nightmare. That's the worst   
feeling in the world, to have to fall asleep alone, knowing that he   
should be there beside me, to have to wake up in the morning, knowing   
that that chipper little kiss wouldn't be there.   
  
I didn't even have so much as a picture to recall his beautiful face   
by. Memories were all I had to remind myself that he would be back   
soon, that if I just hung on for another day, everything would be   
alright again. He never wrote me, although I wished he would have.   
He told me he probably wouldn't have the time to, but that he would   
try. I could never be upset at him, as long as he tried.   
  
When he was gone, it felt like he had betrayed me, and left me all   
alone. I knew he would be back, but it scared me so much the thought   
that while I had been left behind, he might have found someone else,   
that he might have found someone better than me.  
  
There were days when I couldn't even bear to get out of bed, and   
there were days when I just sat on the couch, in his spot, staring   
blankly, my face stained with tears, and even worse, there were those   
days when I couldn't even cry, because I didn't have any tears left....  
  
I could hardly bear to be in the apartment, he was all throughout it,   
and it seemed that everything I touched, everything I saw, brought   
back memories of him and I, and it hurt so badly. It made me feel   
like my heart would stop, like being without him, even for only a   
little while, could easily break my heart. It felt as if I had lost   
him, and that sent an eerie chill down my spine, and it scared me so.   
There isn't a word yet to describe how horrible that feeling was.  
  
He told me when he would be home, so about a week before, I started   
to clean the house heavily, so that it would look perfect when he got   
back. He was supposed to be home a week ago today...  
  
He came in, and found me on my knees in the middle of the livingroom,   
crying so desperately, as if I had lost everything in the world that   
I held dear. As far as I knew, I had lost it all, as far as I knew,   
he was gone forever. He came in, and kneeled down beside me, and   
hugged me so tenderly, and so gently. I held onto him so tightly,   
still not opening my eyes to be certain who it was, and he whispered   
"I love you" into my ear. I started crying even harder...  
  
Those tears were of joy, and fear. I had him back, from whatever he   
had been through, no matter what opportunities presented themselves to   
him, he came back, for me, for nothing more than to be with me again,   
for nothing more than that I wouldn't have to be alone any longer, for   
nothing more than that he loves me.  
  
He didn't say a word about anything. He just picked me up, and put me   
in our bed. Then he kissed me on the forehead and told me he would join   
me in a little while. He told me to get some sleep, and that he would   
see me in the morning.  
  
I closed my eyes, and expected him to wrap his arms around me, and to   
fall asleep beside me. I woke up a few hours later, and he was right   
there, dead asleep, turned completely away from me, as if he didn't even   
want to be in the same bed as me, but couldn't bear to reject me. He   
just lay there, snoring slightly, and my eyes began to tear up. I   
couldn't stand to be there anymore than he apparently could.   
  
I got up and got dressed, to go out for a walk. I just wanted to be as   
far away from him tonight as possible. I had to come home though. It   
just isn't like me to stay gone for long at all. I came home, and sat   
down in the livingroom to write this all down. I haven't touched this   
book in months, but now I can't seem to put it down. It's all I seem   
to have. It's the only thing I can really share my emotions with.   
It's all I've got right now.   
  
This book, it won't talk back, it won't try and tell me I'm wrong. It   
just listens, and right now that's all I need. My friends are great,   
and Richard is incredible, but none of them can do for me, at this   
very moment, exactly what this book can. It's the kind of savior I   
need tonight.   
  
When the morning comes, I know that everything will be alright, and   
that nothing that has happened tonight will even matter, but right now,   
as I sit here writing, there are a million doubts, and a million   
worries swirling around inside my head. I'm only 17. Why do I always   
have to endure so much just to be happy when it all comes down to it.   
Why is it always too much for this girl to be happy, just once?  
  
I just want him to be here, with me, always, to take me in his arms on   
the spur of the moment, to kiss my tears away when I start to cry, to   
just be the kind of friend that I need, while still being the kind of   
lover that can make me happy. Maybe that's too much to look for in any   
one man, maybe I'll never have the kind of man that I need, but I know   
I already have the man I love, and he's sleeping, without me...  
  
He seems so cold sometimes, though I know he isn't trying to be. It   
just seems sometimes like he doesn't love me at all. He always says he   
does, and I always believe him, though there is always that tiny shred   
of doubt deep inside my heart. I do my best to suppress it, but it   
always comes out at one time or another, like it is tonight.   
  
I just keep hoping for all that it's worth that I'm doubting for no   
reason, that I'm just being silly. I know he loves me, and I guess   
sometimes he just needs his space. I don't know what it is that makes   
him want to be away from me that one time in a million, when every other   
time, he wouldn't give up the opportunity.   
  
Maybe I just worry too much....  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Well, I hope I didn't disappoint, as that just makes me hate myself.   
I'd like to thank Scutter, for being so into this fic, and pretty   
much forcing me to write the next chapter as quickly as possible.  
  
The Legendary Redhawke - redhawkeanime@hotmail.com  
  
http://www.geocities.com/redhawke4 - Redhawke FR 


	7. Chapter 6

Alright, I'm a week behind schedule, but regardless, here is chapter   
6. This officially makes this fic my longest ever. The Die Is Cast   
only went up to 6 chapters, and had no prologue or epilogue. Anyway,   
this chapter is kind of short, but the next one should be longer.   
I'll try to get that one done by the end of the week, so perhaps,   
there will be 2 chapters at ASMR next time.  
  
  
Sailor Moon and her likeness are copyright yadda yadda yadda yadda   
yadda you've heard it all before  
  
  
  
Emerald Eyes - Chapter 6  
---------------------------------------------------------------------  
by The Legendary Redhawke  
  
  
  
Journal Entry - November 27, 1999  
  
It's done....  
  
I don't know what made me do it, or why I ever thought that it would   
be a good idea, but it can't change anything, no matter how much I   
may regret it now. The past is set in stone, and all the tears and   
all the terror can't wash that away.   
  
I could always come up with so many reasons not to do it, but I did   
it nonetheless, as if, I decided not to care anymore about what the   
world thinks is right, and just to follow myself, and what I want,   
what I need, and what I have to do. The world never gave a damn about   
me, but I always kept trying to make it. If I could do a little bit   
better, I thought, if I could be a little bit nicer, then maybe I   
could be normal, maybe I could have those million things that   
everybody else had, and for the life of me, I couldn't seem to reach.  
  
His birthday was a few weeks ago, and I got him a beautiful gold   
watch. I already knew what he really wanted, but I didn't think it   
was the time, but he did. He told me to take it back, to get my money   
back for the watch. He didn't just say that he didn't want it, or   
suggest I take it back, he told me, with a latent sense of rage deep   
in his eyes. I wanted to cry, but the longer I looked at him, the   
more I got this eerie sensation that I couldn't refuse him, that I had   
to listen to him, that I had to obey him....  
  
I don't know why I went with him so calmly, why I didn't refuse at all.   
He seemed to have me under his power, as if I were hypnotized by that   
frightening glint in his eyes. For the first time ever, it seemed as   
if it was his bed, not ours, as if the determination of everything   
surrounding us as 'ours' was only a feeble charade, which was cast   
away that evening.   
  
I didn't make a sound at all, I just lay there, as if it was my lot in   
life to allow it to happen. In a half an hour, he was asleep, and I   
had shed more tears than I could count. I got up and sat down on the   
couch, content to clutch my knees, and cry, and to try and hope that   
it had all been a dream. I fell asleep there, and awoke with a   
blanket covering me. He was making me breakfast when I got up, and he   
left his task to kiss me...  
  
That little glint was gone, and I never saw it again, not once. I   
love him so much, but when I saw that rage in his eyes, it made me   
feel like he was an animal, like he was nothing but a wild beast, and   
didn't care about me at all. He was all for himself, and I was only   
there as a medium for his own purpose. Then, in the morning, he was   
himself, the man that I fell in love with.   
  
He didn't seem to want me at all after that. It was as if he'd   
accomplished his one goal in life, and now that it had been done, I   
was nothing to him. I was just there, as nothing but a meager trophy   
of what he had done.   
  
I talk to my friends all the time, but no matter how long I'm on the   
phone, how many times I'm out with them, I'm still all alone, trapped   
in this apartment, even though I wouldn't dream of ever trying to get   
away. I love him too much, and even though he seems so cold sometimes,   
he seems to make up for it on those rare occasions that he becomes the   
sweet, charming man that I fell in love with.   
  
Around a week ago, he took me out to dinner, and he looked at me   
across the table, in his best formal attire, and he just smiled. He   
didn't say a word all night, but those lips, those teeth of his, they   
were just smiling, beaming directly at me, as if I was a saint of some   
sort, some goddess to be worshipped, and he was with me, he had the   
good fortune to be with me, rather than groveling at my feet. I've   
never known, and I likely never will know exactly how he can always   
manage to make me feel so special, so wanted, so needed, when all I've   
been to every other guy is just an object, something for them to own,   
to control, to keep to themselves.  
  
No matter who I was around, or how much they cared about me, for some   
reason, it was always crystal clear to me that I deserved almost   
nothing, that jerks were all I was ever fit to be with, that nobody   
would be shocked or surprised when I ended up with the worst guy alive.   
Then, one day, Richard changed all that. It was as if he had taken   
whatever destiny was set up for me, and just threw it away because he   
felt like it, as if he had complete and total power over how my life   
turned out. I don't deserve him, but I can't let him go....  
  
I can't help but fear him...  
  
Not that he's going to hurt me, or that he's going to do those things   
that I always seem to worry about, but if I told him what I wanted to,   
what I need to tell him, I don't know how he's going to react, or how   
I even want him to. I'm so scared that he won't be thinking like I   
am, that he might do one of those things that I so fear, and I'm so   
sure that he would never do.   
  
Maybe I'm a coward, maybe I'm just scared, maybe this should nevr have   
happened at all, but right now, that doesn't matter in any way. It's   
done, it's overwith, and no matter what I say or do, it's set. I have   
my options, but regardless, he has to know. He has to be told the   
fragile truth that I've somehow managed to hide from him all this time.   
  
I don't know what to say to him. How can I possibly tell the one man I   
think the world of, the one man that has taken care of me no matter   
what has been happening, the one man that I can't live without, the one   
thing that I could possibly say that would change his opinion of me?   
How could I ever bring myself to do something like that, to shake him   
so badly, to make the tears flow from his eyes like an endless river,   
to grab a hold of his tender heart, the heart that I love so dearly,   
and with my own hand, squeeze the life completely out of it?  
  
I'm stuck, quite honestly...  
  
I can't think of any way that it's possible for me to tell him, but I   
know that I have to, regardless of how he'll react, regardless of what   
he'll do, and regardless of how he thinks of me. I have to show him   
the truth of what has made me act so strangely, what has made me so   
careful around him. and what has brought me to tears every single moment   
that he isn't around. I have to tell him that shining truth.  
  
I'm pregnant.....  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
I hope you liked it. I always try my best to make my fics good. Anyway,   
feedback is appreciated, any little bit of it. The story should really   
pick up from here. I'd like to thank Scutter for reading this fic,   
keeping me motivated, and for being the only one to email me consistently.   
  
  
The Legendary Redhawke - redhawkeanime@hotmail.com  
  
http://www.geocities.com/redhawke4 - Redhawke FR 


	8. Chapter 7

Here it is, chapter 7, and I hope that you've all been awaiting it.   
Read on, enjoy, and wonder why you spent your time reading these   
notes anyway.  
  
Sailor Moon and her likeness are copyright yadda yadda yadda yadda   
yadda you've heard it all before  
  
  
  
Emerald Eyes - Chapter 7  
---------------------------------------------------------------------  
by The Legendary Redhawke  
  
  
  
Journal Entry - December 31, 1999  
  
Another year gone by, another million changes, another midnight spent   
writing....  
  
It got to be too much to hide from him, after countless mornings of   
vomiting, and so many other signs. I didn't want to tell him. It   
made me feel as if I had betrayed him in the most devious way, as if I   
had taken something so deep, so important, so intimate, and thrown it   
right back into his face. I almost couldn't bring myself to tell him,   
but some little part of me, laying deep within my soul, told me that   
I had to, no matter what was going to happen....  
  
New years's eve, and he came home to see me on the couch, my face   
stained with tears so much that he could barely recognize me. He   
tried to wipe them all away, but all I could do was move away from   
him. I wanted his comfort so badly, but I couldn't bear for him to   
give it without knowing the truth. He had to be aware, but I wasn't   
sure if I could stand to scare him like I did.  
  
He just backed away, with his jaw hanging open, and I could see the   
faint glint of a tear begin to form in his eye. I wanted to run into   
his arms so badly, just so I could comfort him, and let him know that   
everything would be alright. I just couldn't though.   
  
There are sometimes in life when you have no choice but to be cruel,   
and do things that make you cry, and make you hurt, and make you wish   
you never had, but in the end, those things are worth doing, despite   
everything that they bring with them.   
  
I whispered it so softly that I would have sworn he couldn't have   
heard me. He did though, somehow, and sat down next to me. The tears   
flowed from his eyes like soft rivers, and he knelt down to kiss my   
stomach, without a word.   
  
I'm 18 now, and everything everywhere tells me that I'm supposed to be   
prepared for whatever life can possibly throw my way. I'm nothing   
more than a child, nothing more than a little girl that needs to be   
taken care of, and can't handle the responsibility of anything. I   
always had to take care of myself, I always had to be the perfect   
little girl. I was my own caretaker, and I wouldn't have survived if   
I had allowed myself to be any less than perfect, but now, when I think   
about taking care of myself, I don't seem to have that instinct   
anymore.   
  
I've given in, in a way. I've given up my independence to have what   
I've always wanted, to be loved so dearly, so sweetly, and so much by   
someone so wonderful. He takes care of me now, and I wouldn't give   
that away for anything, but when I think about carrying this child, it   
makes me feel useless, as if I have no right to bear it, as if I've   
doomed him just by being his mother, as if the only thing I could hope   
to do is get rid of it so that he doesn't have to be a failure like his   
mother....  
  
It's hard enough to have to tell the one you love that you're pregnant,   
and scared, and so unsure of what is going to happen, but it is   
infinitely worse to have to tell him that you're not even sure of   
yourself, not even sure that you're ready to be a mother, not even sure   
that you're ready to be anything more than what you are, or happen to   
have become. How can I ever tell him that this child inside me, it's   
filled me with so much terror, and so much doubt, and so much   
uncertainty, that I don't know what to do at all, that I can't seem to   
understand the world around me anymore, that the life I used to have   
seems a world away, and I'm trapped here, destined to be the things   
that I swore up and down never to become?  
  
I knew I had to try, no matter what he might possibly do to me, I had   
to try and tell him, try and show him all the fear and terror inside   
of me, all the uncertainty, and all the doubt that I had locked up,   
and wasn't sure of how to release.   
  
I tried to tell him...   
  
"I'm not sure....I'm just not sure...."  
  
"About what?"  
  
"About having this baby......"  
  
He didn't say a word, he couldn't say a word. I saw that glint in his   
eyes again. My heart filled with terror as he got that look in his   
eyes. There wasn't a thing in the world that could have made me felt   
safe at that moment, and nothing in the world that could have saved me   
from him....  
  
He slapped me across my face, and I fell to the floor, desperately   
clutching my cheek. I couldn't bear to even open my mouth to say a   
word. I just looked up at him, with my eyes so wide, seeming to ask   
him a million questions, with the most important one coming up over and   
over again: Why?  
  
"That's my baby inside of you!!! If you even think about killing him,   
I'll kill you!!!"  
  
Still, I just knelt upon the cold floor, staring up at him as if I had   
no idea who he was, or where this place was. He stared back down at me,   
with more hate and rage in his eyes than I could ever have seen upon an   
animal. That feral gaze just made me want to hide somewhere until   
everything was over. All I could hope to do is stare, still clutching   
my cheek, with the tears pouring from my eyes without my even feeling   
them....  
  
"He's mine, and you wouldn't dare to hurt him!"  
  
He just stormed out of the apartment, not caring about his plans, not   
caring about where he would go, not caring about me. He just left me   
here, in this big place, just left me here, with all the emptiness left   
in the wake of his rage. He's just left me here to cry, and wonder   
about the reasons for this all...  
  
I've never done so much thinking in all of my life. Everytime I came to   
a difficult junction, I usually just let somebody else's decision stand   
as the best one for me, and if it wasn't the best, I went with it anyway,   
and made some little adjustments along the way. I've realized tonight   
that for the first time in my life, my life has to be in my own hands.   
I have to decide for myself what each day is going to be, what each   
moment is going to mean, and what my future will hold. I can't leave it   
to anybody else what my life will entail anymore, and it hurts me so   
much to have to admit that. No matter how much my friends love me, no   
matter how much I love myself, and no matter how much he loves me, it   
doesn't really matter at all. My life is mine, whether I want it to be   
or not....  
  
Two lives now...two. I could barely handle my own, and now I have to   
keep another life safely guarded. I've never been so unsure of anything.   
I could always plan my future out, my grades, the classes I would take,   
all the little things that my life used to be about, but now I'm stuck,   
forced to plan for the biggest things in my life, not even sure if I want   
them at all.   
  
I'm just a kid.....  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Well, there it is, I hope you've enjoyed it. The plot now begins to   
thicken, and become exactly what I had planned it to be. I hope you   
continue to read on, and I hope you will enjoy what is in store.  
  
The Legendary Redhawke - redhawkeanime@hotmail.com  
  
http://www.geocities.com/redhawke4 - Redhawke FR 


	9. Chapter 8

I know it's been a while, but we can all blame that on school, and   
some other projects that I've been doing. Don't worry though, there   
are more chapters already being begun. And for those wondering, yes,   
it is starting to get toward the end. I was originally aiming for 10   
chapters, but I may be forced to overshoot that. We'll see though.   
  
  
Sailor Moon and her likeness are copyright yadda yadda yadda yadda   
yadda you've heard it all before.  
  
  
Emerald Eyes - Chapter 8  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
by The Legendary Redhawke  
  
  
  
Journal Entry - February 16, 2000  
  
It's hard to tell who he's going to be anymore, whether he's going to   
become the enraged beast that I've so often seen, with the blood red   
glint in his eyes, as he yells, or breaks things, or whether he's   
going to be the kind and gentle person that will hold me in his arms,   
and rock me to sleep when I awake from a hideous nightmare.   
  
I'm always worried, about whether or not I've done everything right,   
and he'll be happy, about what he's going to do if I didn't quite get   
everything right, and most of all, what he's going to do to our baby   
when he's born, if he'll be hated or beloved, cherished or ignored.   
My hands start to shake nervously whenever he walks in the door, and   
I'm always trying to cower, but I don't want him to see it as that.   
He doesn't want me to be afraid of him, and I'm not sure myself if I   
am.  
  
He never says "I love you" anymore, he just kisses me goodnight and   
falls asleep. He has his arms around me, but he doesn't hold me. I   
wish he would just tell me that he loves me, so that I don't have to   
be up half the night worrying if he does or not. There's a million   
things he could say to make me feel the way I used to when I was   
around him, but he just rolls over as if I never mattered to him at   
all, as if I was never anything more than a lifeless vessel for his   
seed, as if I never meant anything to him, as if I was a slave   
underneath him.  
  
On Valentine's Day, he kissed me, for once, as if he was the man   
that I fell in love with. I cried the next morning, because that   
wonderful man had left, and I was only left with his new form. Why   
can't he be the way he was, the way he should have stayed?   
  
There's nothing that I would hesitate to give up just to have back   
the one thing that I have ever truly loved. I just want him to   
tell me he loves me, to tell me the truth, and to be the man that   
swore to always protect me, and not to be the man that I need   
protection from.   
  
He usually just yells at me, and stops when he can see how stained   
my face is with the tears I've been crying all day. He always looks   
just a little bit terrified when he sees me like that, but it   
doesn't last, and then he's back to his angry self, and he storms   
off somewhere.   
  
I always want to follow him, in the hopes that maybe he's praying he   
can change, praying he can be a better man, praying that I won't   
always have to be afraid of him. I want to see him cry, just so   
that I know for sure that he's still human, that he's still flesh   
and blood, that he's still the same person that picked me up about   
a year ago, and that he's just hidden underneath that hideous shell.  
  
I know it's him. I don't know how I know, and I don't know what it   
was that made him become who he is now, but I know that if he and I   
try hard enough, we can break that shell, and bring out the man   
trapped, the man I love, the man he deserves to be.   
  
It's not so much to ask that my child have a father to be proud of,   
not one that will yell at me when dinner is quite ready when he   
comes home, or slap me when he's had a bad day at work. I can't   
even feel safe around him. What right do I have to bring a child   
into this kind of environment? What right do I have to decide that   
this life is acceptable for my son, my daughter, my own flesh and   
blood? What right do I have to endanger his life just because I'm   
too cowardly to do anything about it?   
  
Why can't I be someone else? Someone braver, someone stronger,   
someone who wouldn't take this, someone who would just walk out the   
door, someone who isn't so afraid of losing what she wants that she   
can't see what's right in front of her face, someone who doesn't   
have to lie to herself to sleep at night....  
  
There have been far too many nights that I've just sat up awake in   
the livingroom, tears streaming down my bruised face, desperately   
clutching my womb. I just sit, and think, about everything that   
used to be, about how wonderful he used to be, about the hundreds   
of happy memories we shared. I sit and hope, pray, that he's   
thinking about those times too, so that maybe he'll wake up, and   
hold me in his arms like he always used to.   
  
Sometimes I just stand over the bed, waiting for him to smile,   
waiting for him to show any sign of himself. He does sometimes. He   
surprises me, and makes me feel so happy, even though I know it's   
only for a moment, and that if he had been awake, it would never   
have happened. That just doesn't seem to matter to me at all. I'm   
just so content to be able to see him as that man, that mysterious,   
handsome, caring man that I loved so dearly.   
  
I want him so bad....  
  
It's always that way for me, I can only wish and hope and dream and   
pray, but I can never have. I'm always stuck longing for the things   
that would truly make me happy, while others already have them. Why   
can't the world give this eighteen year old a break for once? Why   
does it have to be all the well-to-do kids that are always happy?   
Why doesn't anybody love me enough for me to be happy?   
  
Sometimes I wish that there's an accident, so that maybe he'll change.   
Maybe he'll turn back into the man that I want so badly, and maybe we   
can all be together, happy, as a family, like we were meant to be,   
with him, myself, and our baby. Maybe we could smile all day, and   
have picnics in the park, or just sit with each other, not saying a   
word, just enjoying each other's presence. Maybe we can have a big   
party for our baby's first birthday, with balloons, and a big cake,   
and all the little one and two year olds from the neighborhood, all   
singing to him, and maybe he'll smile, and go to bed content, and maybe   
I'll be able to sleep better, knowing that he's happy, and that his   
father changed. Maybe I can think about all that, as unlikely as it   
may seem, and I can sleep tonight, and maybe when my eyes open in the   
morning, I'll be glad that they have, and maybe I'll be able to smile   
for real, and not just at all these thoughts in my head. Maybe he'll   
stop yelling, and maybe he'll stop hitting me, and maybe he'll tell me   
that he loves me. Maybe he'll lie, and maybe I'll believe him, and   
maybe it won't matter at all. Maybe I deserve this, maybe this is what   
was destined to happen to me. Maybe I am worthless...  
  
All I can really do is hope, hope that he can still be who he was, hope   
that he loves me the same way that I love him, and most of all, hope   
that my baby can be whoever he wants to be. That's all I've really got   
anymore, is hope, and without it, I'm nothing.  
  
What are you supposed to do when it feels like there's nothing more to   
do? What can you say when all you can think of is his fist? How can I   
cry out against him when I love him so? Why do I have to be a coward   
in a place best suited for a hero?  
  
I have to go on, I have to fight, and I have to stand up, and be myself.   
I know that Richard is under there, somewhere, hidden from me. The man   
I love is in there, and I will find him, no matter how long it takes.   
I will bring my baby into a safe, loving place. My baby is all I have,   
and as he kicks and turns inside my belly, I feel somehow warm, as if   
there is only so much that can be done to me. He used to make me feel   
that way, and I guess he still is. He made this baby, this savior, this   
wonderful child that makes me want to live. He did it for me, to make   
sure I would be alright, to make sure that he would be found once more.  
  
It's amazing how unsure I've become. especially about everything that I   
used to trust so highly. I used to put my life in his hands, but when   
he hit me that night, it dawned on me that those hands were more likely   
to take away my life than to protect it. That's what scared me most   
about that night. I realized that everything that I had built up within   
myself was all a lie, but not the kind of lie that you just walk away   
from. This was the kind of lie that had to be made into a truth, somehow.   
I know that there's a way to make this massive lie into some sort of   
serene truth. I'm only worried about whether I'll find that way...  
  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Well, there you have it, the eighth chapter. I'd like to thank Scutter   
for continuously reading this fic, and continuously threatening to   
garotte me if I didn't get writing.  
  
  
The Legendary Redhawke - redhawkeanime@hotmail.com  
  
http://www.geocities.com/redhawke4 - Redhawke FR 


	10. Chapter 9

Well, after a fairly lengthy reprieve, with nothing new, here we are,   
another installment of this fic. I'm hoping you'll like it, though I'm   
sure you're hoping the same thing. We're now in the final few chapters.   
A tenth is coming soon, to be followed by the epilogue. So, without   
much further ado, the fic.  
  
  
Sailor Moon and her likeness are copyright yadda yadda yadda yadda   
yadda you've heard it all before.  
  
  
  
Emerald Eyes - Chapter 9  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
by The Legendary Redhawke  
  
  
Journal Entry - April 5, 2000  
  
I don't understand....  
  
I just don't seem to understand anything. He loves me, I know he does,   
but there doesn't seem to be any way for him to show it anymore. He   
used to be so full of affection for me, now all he does is curse me   
and beat me. He doesn't seem to care at all that it's his baby inside   
me, he doesn't seem to care that I'm the one he's done so much for, he   
doesn't seem to care about whether I live or die anymore, as long as   
things are the way he wants them.  
  
I want to keep him so badly, but it always seems like an uphill battle,   
in the war that drones on day after day. I know that I can't stand to   
be without him though, and I don't know why not. All he does is beat   
me and berate me about what I can't seem to do right no matter how much   
or how hard I try, but I love him, so much, and he's all I've got. I   
guess I'm just weak and stupid like I've always been...  
  
I haven't been able to do a single thing the way it should be done.   
Everyone always told me that I wouldn't be able to keep a man. I was   
always too stubborn, or too independent, or not girly enough, or just   
not good enough. Seems they were right. I've got a man, but I can't   
even make myself feel any better than wanting to cry every moment of   
the day.   
  
He slaps me, or he kicks me, and all I do is cry. I can't stand up to   
him, I can't tell him what I feel, I can't tell him how unhappy I am, I   
can't tell him how ashamed I am, or how much I cry everyday. No, I'm no   
good at anything. I can't even protect my baby...  
  
I guess I was never really meant to be happy, like everyone else is.   
I'm just stuck here, stuck as a weak little girl, crying out for her   
daddy, and somehow knowing that he won't come. That's all I want right   
now, someone to pick me up, someone to hold me close to them, someone to   
whisper dearest words to me. There's nothing I wouldn't give for that   
right now, just to feel safe for a moment. Maybe then I wouldn't want   
to die everytime I see how much he has changed, everytime he hits me and   
I'm surprised that he's done it, everytime my baby feels the pain that   
his mother is to weak to protect him from.  
  
A million times, I've sat where I'm sitting now, with a bottle of   
aspirin, or a kitchen knife in my hand, thinking that all I would need   
is the gall to take that first step, and then maybe, just maybe I   
wouldn't have to deal with all the pain that gets inflicted on me   
everyday. I keep thinking, maybe if I'm gone, he'll change, and the   
next woman will get him the way he was, that maybe it's my lot in life   
to die, just to make him see, just to make him a better man, just so   
that some girl, somewhere else, can be as happy as I once thought I   
could be with him.  
  
Then I feel my baby kicking inside me, and I just drop the knife, or   
the bottle, or whatever, and I just hold him there. I just cradle my   
baby still in my womb, and feel somehow safe. He'll protect me, if I   
protect him. He'll always be there to make me feel like I belong to   
someone, and I'll always be there to help him grow.   
  
I don't even know if it's a boy or a girl. Right now, it doesn't   
matter to me either. He's mine, and nobody else's, for the first time.   
My boyfriends always used to cheat on me, and they were always   
somebody's secret boyfriend, and not just mine. I could never just   
keep one for me. I've been alone so many years, but it seems like I've   
never really had anything of my own. I never really had a family to   
share things with, but I've been forced to relinquish anything that I   
really held dear, just because someone had the wit, had the means, had   
the devices to take them away from me. There was never anything I   
could ever do to keep those things, but there isn't anything that can   
take my baby away from me, if I can just protect him a little bit   
longer, if I can just keep him away from all the dangers in this world,   
if I can just make everyone see how happy he'll make me.  
  
I don't want to leave Richard....  
  
I know there's no real reason to stay, and all he seems to do is hurt   
me, in any way he feels. It all seems futile and hopeless, but for   
some reason, I can't bear to lose him. He's done so much for me, and   
I keep thinking, that if I can do that much for him, he might just come   
back to me, he might just smile one day and hug me when he got home, he   
might just take this baby of ours and help him to grow up the way a   
child should, with all the things that he and I never had as children.  
  
Maybe I'm just fooling myself, maybe I'll end up being right in the end,   
but I just can't seem to give up on him, or anything that we've built   
together. I still think about the things he used to say to me, the   
things that would make me smile, the things that still seem to make me   
smile even though he doesn't say them anymore.  
  
"Never let those emerald eyes of yours fade."  
  
He said that to me once. It was the first day that I met him. He   
picked me up off the ground, and took me out. He didn't say a single   
thing wrong. It was like he knew just what I needed to hear that day.   
He only ever said that once, when he brought me home that day. He made   
me feel as if I was special when he said that, as if there wasn't anyone   
better than I was.   
  
Now look at me. I'm a wreck. My face is always tear-stained and   
bruised. I'm pale, and my hair hasn't been kept. I'm covered in small   
cuts and bruises. I'm not who I used to be at all. I'm someone else,   
someone who's weak and useless. I'm someone who's nothing to anybody.   
I'm someone who can't even be the woman she's always wanted to be. I'm   
just not good enough to be that woman....  
  
I've been dreaming lately, and when I awaken, I'm never quite sure if it   
was real, or a dream. Everything seems so real. I see myself laying at   
the bottom of some staircase. I've never seen it before. I can look   
down upon myself from the ceiling. I'm laying face up, with one arm   
straight down my side, and the other bent around my head. My face is   
all pale, and I'm barely breathing.   
  
I'm wearing a grey skirt suit, but it's all torn and stained. My hair is   
all matted, and stained. I can see a shadow cast over me from the top   
of the stairs, and it's looming over me even more with each passing   
second. I can hear his resounding footsteps getting louder and louder.   
I start to cringe at the sound.   
  
I try to lift my head up, but I'm just too weak. I'm seeing through my   
own eyes now. I bring my hand in front of my face, the one from behind   
my head. I can see the blood start to drip slowly off of my white   
fingers, leaving small, sparse drops on my neck. I start to breathe   
harder, and the footsteps get louder and louder. I want to scream, but   
I can't seem to make any sound at all.   
  
I start to choke on my own voice, desperately hoping to just make one   
solitary sound. My very thoughts are now drowned out by the ever   
quickening footsteps. I start to hyperventilate, not knowing at all   
what to do. I panic, but I can't even move. I'm covered in my own   
blood, and I can't move. Suddenly, the footsteps stop, and I somehow   
manage to look up, just enough, despite the agony it causes, to see a   
dark figure standing directly over me.   
  
He laughs....  
  
I woke up gasping for breath, panicking, unsure of where I was. I   
thought maybe I really was at the bottom of that staircase. I just   
wanted someone, something to make me feel safe. Richard was asleep   
beside me. He never woke up. He smiled at me though, somehow knowing I   
was awake, and mouthed "Come to bed". I couldn't help but smile, and   
let a tear fall down my cheek. He really is in there. I laid down with   
him, and slept safer than I had for months.  
  
He was gone in the morning...  
  
I didn't know quite what to feel when I woke up without him. I had been   
so used to his not being beside me, but now it seemed like something   
new, as if maybe I saw inside of him, to the man he was. I don't really   
know for sure. I only know what I've been hoping for. I've been putting   
all my hopes, and all my prayers into him, just for the chance for the   
true Richard to come out again. I never wanted to give up on him. I   
don't think I ever could, but each day that passed, I lost that hope   
little by little. I thought it was almost gone, but then he smiled. It   
wasn't just a smile. It was a radiant, angelic smile. He just seemed to   
be inviting me into his arms, to be safe amongst his warmth.  
  
I know he's in there.....  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
I hope you liked it. The tenth chapter will be the absolute climax of the   
fic, and will hopefully leave you astounded. I must thank Scutter for   
showing so much interest in this fic, and keeping me writing.  
  
The Legendary Redhawke - redhawkeanime@hotmail.com  
  
http://www.geocities.com/redhawke4 - Redhawke FR 


	11. Chapter 10

Here it is, the tenth chapter. Only the epilogue is to follow now.   
I hope you have enjoyed this fic thus far, as it's been a lot of work   
and a lot of trials and tribulations to write it. It's been worth it   
already for me. I just want it to be worth it for you to be reading.  
  
Sailor Moon and her likeness are copyright yadda yadda yadda yadda   
yadda you've heard it all before  
  
  
  
Emerald Eyes - Chapter 10  
-------------------------------------------------------------------  
by The Legendary Redhawke  
  
  
  
Journal Entry - June 17, 2000  
  
I lost him....  
  
The one thing that I really had left, the one thing that I thought   
would never leave me, the one thing that always seemed to be on my   
side, is gone now. He'll never be back...  
  
It was 2 days ago, and my eyes haven't been dry since. Richard   
hasn't been here since, either. I've been truly alone, like I   
always used to be. My baby is dead, dead and gone. I'll never get   
to see him grow up. I'll never get to see him become the man that   
his father used to be. I'll never get to see him get married, and   
raise a family. I'll never get to see him prove how great a man he   
can be.  
  
Richard came home two days ago, and he yelled like he always did.   
There was never any way to keep him from being mad at something, or   
from making me the object of his anger. He always berated me for   
some minute detail I had missed, and he always slapped me for   
missing it. He's so far from perfect, I can't see how he ever   
could have expected me to be that way.  
  
This time, though, it was different. He yelled, but as soon as I   
came into the room, he stopped. I wasn't sure whether to be happy   
or afraid. All I could do was hope that the man I had fallen in   
love with had come back to me.   
  
I stood there, frozen in the room, and he walked toward me. My eyes   
began to fill with tears, and my lip began to quiver. I broke into   
a cold sweat, when I saw that glint of rage in his eyes. It had   
been so long since I'd seen it, but it was here now, and there was   
nothing I could ever do. He hit me...  
  
I didn't even want to believe it.....  
  
Again and again....  
  
All I could do was cry, and hope to everything that I had left that   
this was all just some bad dream. I kept praying to wake up, to   
let the real world show me that this could never really happen to   
me. I prayed that everything was just some nightmare, that I would   
wake up in bed with Richard, the real Richard, the one that I fell   
for those many months ago when I met him on the street. I kept   
wishing, and hoping, and praying to every being and every name that   
I could remember.   
  
I never woke up....  
  
He left me laying on the floor, battered and bruised all over. He   
just stopped, and looked at me like he always used to, and like I   
had hoped he would for so long. He stepped back, and began to cry.   
He was crying more than I was. He got up and ran out of the   
apartment, still crying so hard. I knew what he was crying for,   
but there was nothing that I could do to comfort him.  
  
I don't know where he ran to, or where he's been since, but I know   
that in that one moment, he was himself again....  
  
I started to feel a deep, sharp pain in my belly, right where my   
baby was. I lay down on the floor, just hoping to make it go away,   
just hoping to protect my baby from whatever this was, just hoping   
to save him so that he could be a man someday, just hoping to save   
myself.  
  
I woke up some time later, in the darkness of deep night. I called   
out for Richard, hoping he had come back. He hadn't...  
  
My pants were all bloody when I woke up, and the cramping was worse   
than ever. I wanted to die, just so that my baby could live. It   
was too late though, and I knew it. I knew that there was nothing   
that I could do to save my baby, the one I held so close, the one I   
always tried to protect, the one that I always seemed to fail.  
  
I'm not worth anything to anybody. I used to think that even if   
Richard never went back to the man he once was, I would always have   
my baby, as some sort of memory of who my love used to be. All I   
ever wanted was someone to hold close to me when I needed to cry,   
someone to smile at me when I've had a hard time, someone to love me   
no matter what happened. I thought I had it once with Richard, then   
he changed. I thought I had it again with my baby, our baby.   
  
I failed him. I failed the one person who relied on me, and trusted   
me wholeheartedly, the one person who put his life in my hands, the   
one person who truly needed me. How can I help but feel worthless?   
I had one job to do, protect my baby, and I couldn't even do it.   
The one thing that I really needed to do, I failed. I can't get   
that chance back, ever. I'll always be nothing but a failure.  
  
I don't even know what to think. Part of me wants to be sad for my   
baby's death. Part of me wants to hate myself for letting him die.   
Part of me wants to hate Richard for killing him. I can't lay the   
blame on anybody but myself. My baby lay in my womb, and would   
never leave me. I would always be his mother, no matter where we   
were, no matter what we did, that would always be ours. I let   
Richard destroy that. I let the one man that was able to create   
such a bond in me, destroy it in an instant.  
  
I've laid here crying in the pool of blood left behind. I've hardly   
moved for these two days. I don't see any purpose for living right   
now, and I don't know if I'll ever want to. I had something to live   
for two days ago, and it's gone now. I never even knew he would be   
gone. I never said goodbye. I never hugged him. I never kissed   
him. I never held him in my arms and cried at how happy he made me.   
I never smiled at him for no reason. I never showed him how much I   
love him.  
  
There's nothing for me to dream about anymore. There will be no   
days at the beach, no school plays, no great report cards. I'll have   
no smiling face to come home to, no goodnight kiss to give, no   
bedtime story to read.  
  
Everything that made me happy is gone now, and all I'm left with are   
shattered pictures, and a pool of blood underneath me. My hopes, my   
dreams, my fantasies, my prayers, my life, all dead. Why am I still   
alive? What good is it for me to live, while everything I hold dear   
dies? Why can't my baby have lived? Why couldn't Richard have   
found himself? Why couldn't things have been the way they were in   
my dreams?  
  
I need you daddy, more than ever before. I need to crawl up into   
your lap. I need you to pat my head and tell me everything will be   
ok. I need you to be here for me. I need you to love me the way you   
used to. I need you to be here. I need you to be my father tonight.  
  
Richard, I'm lost. I'm scared. I need you here. You swore to   
always be by my side, through whatever. Why aren't you here? You   
promised me!! Why can't you come back? I love you so much Richard.   
Why can't you come back to me? I won't leave you. I'll always be   
here. I know that if you come back to me, we can be happy, like we   
used to be. We can hug and kiss and laugh and smile and cry together   
and end up loving each other all the more, like we always used to do.   
  
Help...  
  
The blood is drying, staining the floor. It's all I really have left.   
It's the only thing that my baby could leave me. It's all I really   
care for keeping right now. Maybe in time I'll want to keep the   
pictures, and the bay clothes, and everything I got for him. Maybe   
in time I'll feel the same way I do now. Maybe in time I won't want   
anything of his. Maybe I won't even give myself the time...  
  
If there's a hell, is that where I deserve to be? My baby's gone. I   
didn't do the one thing I had to do as a mother. Did I try the best I   
could to save him? Was he destined to leave me this way? Was there   
something that I could have done to keep him in my womb, where he   
should be?   
  
I don't want to know the answers...  
  
I feel like I've fallen, so far. I'm down so far that I can't see the   
light of day. It's quiet. I've lost so much in so little time. The   
pieces of my life are scattered everywhere. Should I rise from my   
knees to pick them up? Should I begin once more? Is there anywhere   
to start from? I don't know what to do now. I'm not sure if I ever   
really did know. All my tears can't give me the one wish I have right   
now, and all my prayers can't let things be how they should. Where   
does that leave me? Alone, in the dark, like I'll always be.  
  
"Help me Richard, they're fading...."  
  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
There you have it, chapter 10. I hope it was at least as good as you had   
hoped. I'd like to thank Scutter for having such a profound interest in   
this fic. The epilogue should be done rather quickly, and then this story   
shall be complete.  
  
The Legendary Redhawke - redhawkeanime@hotmail.com  
  
http://www.geocities.com/redhawke4 - Redhawke FR 


	12. Epilogue

And so we reach the end of this fanfictional journey. I hope you've   
thoroughly enjoyed the ride, and I hope you'll thoroughly enjoy the   
end of it. Feel free to read the fic over again if you're not quite   
ready to get off. So, without further ado, the epilogue.  
  
Sailor Moon and her likeness are copyright yadda yadda yadda yadda   
yadda you've heard it all before  
  
  
Emerald Eyes - Epilogue  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
by The Legendary Redhawke  
  
  
June 18, 2000  
  
Dear Lita,  
  
I sincerely wish that there was something that a pen could express to   
show you just what you meant to me. You gave me your all, despite   
everything. We came upon each other by chance, and we kept together   
by sheer luck, but it seems as if our luck's run out, and I wish I   
could be blameless.   
  
I did you wrong, Lita. I won you over, and then just stopped   
fighting, as if everything was destined to be there. I took more and   
more day after day, and didn't seem to think anything of it. Maybe   
I expected too much from you, maybe I just didn't deserve you, maybe   
something frowned upon us from on high. I can't pretend to know the   
truth...  
  
I saw what I had become, I saw everything that I always swore to   
myself I'd never see come out of me. I saw myself, truly, for the   
first time ever. It scared me Lita, so much. It made me finally   
realize everything I'd done to you. I never deserved you, you just   
stayed with me anyway. Out of pity maybe, I can't be sure.  
  
I gave you that child in your belly, and you've shown he's really   
yours. I hope I might be able to see him someday, whether he even   
knows who I am. I can't help but smile a little bit when I think   
about him growing up with you as his mother. You're just such a   
nurturing person, I know you'll be an amazing mother to him.  
  
I can't come back to you Lita. I wish that I could, and I wish more   
that you would even want me to, but I know in my heart that I would   
only be hurting you to come back. I gave you so little, and took so   
much away, and yet everyday, you still smiled and told me you loved   
me, no matter what I did to you.  
  
I know you can never forgive me. How can I expect you to when I   
can't even forgive myself? I hurt you so much, and no matter how   
much I loved you, I hadn't that right. I hurt you, I beat you, I   
made you cry with every word I seemed to say. I was always wrong,   
but you just took it, and pretended I was right, all because you   
loved me.  
  
I guess you learn something new about yourself everyday. I never   
thought I'd be able to hit someone, and hurt them like I did. You   
never deserved anything that I did to you, but I did it nonetheless.   
  
I'm trying to get some help, so that maybe whoever I fall for next   
won't have to go through what you did. It's the least I owe them.  
  
The apartment is paid for, so you can stay there forever if you want   
to. I won't be back. You can keep my things, or throw them out,   
whatever you want to do. It's your house now.  
  
I never told you I was sorry for what I did to you. There aren't   
enough apologies to make up for hurting you that way. I violated   
you, every single way, and I know 'I'm sorry' won't be enough.  
  
Cuts and bruises heal in time, but every scar I gave you, everytime   
I hit you, everytime I yelled, everytime I forced myself, will   
always be there, inside you. Maybe they'll heal too someday, when   
you meet some guy who really does deserve you, and you're happy.   
Our baby will have a real father then, and you'll both be able to   
smile.   
  
I'll be smiling too, smiling that you found yourself a good life,   
smiling that our child will have a real life and a real future,   
smiling that things will be the way they were destined to be for   
you. I only hope I'll be able to say the same about my own life.  
  
I'm not exactly sure why I'm writing you, except that I feel like   
I have to let you know everything, let you know how sorry I am. I   
never deserved you at all, but I took you, and took advantage of   
you. I knew it was wrong when I did it.  
  
I haven't a clue what you might be doing right now, and it would   
probably just make me miserable to know. You're probably sitting   
on our couch, maybe crying, feeling our baby kick in your belly.   
Maybe you're wishing I would come home, maybe you're hoping I never   
do.   
  
The only thing I know is that our lives will go on. We're not so   
broken by any of this that we can't pick up the pieces and get a   
jump on a brand new day. We're young, we can start over a million   
times, and be none the worse for it. I've already begun a new   
life, and I think you have too. Maybe you've even found somebody   
new?  
  
You always smiled, no matter what I did, or what I said, you smiled   
at me. It may have been just to try and calm me down, but whatever   
it was, it went straight to my heart, and made me feel you. I did   
love you, no matter what I may have done.   
  
I haven't shed a tear since I ran from you those nights ago, and I   
never will. I think we were lost from the beginning, destined to   
be ruined by something or other. As much as I hoped, I guess it   
just wasn't meant to be that way, so why should we cry over fate?  
  
Fate's nothing but a blank narrative of everything. You never   
argue with the way a book turns out, so why argue with fate? Why   
cry over it? Why bother?   
  
I wish there was someone we could blame for the way that things   
turned out for us. There isn't though. It just seems to have been   
meant that way. We can't even really blame each other. All we have   
to do is move on. I know I can forget about you, and I hope you can   
forget about me, as hard as that may be.  
  
Love,  
  
Richard  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
  
An Apology from The Legendary Redhawke:  
  
As a member of the male species, I cannot at all condone the actions   
that this fic have portrayed. I will not apologize for my writing, but   
rather, for the fact that what I have written about is not fiction. It   
occurs in so many households day after day after day. Men and women   
are not powerless to stop it. We must all fight it in our own hearts,   
and in our own communities. If you know someone who has been, or is   
abused, please be a true friend to them, and help them to know that   
there is help for them. There are many support groups, both online and   
in real life for those who have been abused, both male and female. If   
you yourself are abused, know that there is an alternative to such   
abuse. You don't have to endure it. Talk to a friend, talk to me if   
you like. Talk to someone you know will be there for you. This is a   
battle you can't fight all on your own. Be brave enough to ask for   
help. If you are an abuser, male or female, you need to get help.   
Talk to a doctor. They can help you. If you truly love your   
girl/boyfriend, your spouse, your fiancé/e, your lover, then for their   
sake, and your own, find help. To you all, wear a white ribbon. It   
is the symbol of the fight against abuse, in all its forms. Give   
generously to the white ribbon campaign, and wear the ribbon, as I do.  
  
http://www.healingclub.com  
  
The Legendary Redhawke - redhawkeanime@hotmail.com  
  
http://www.geocities.com/redhawke4 - Redhawke FR 


End file.
